Why breaking dawn must be a movie

Edward fucks Bella into unconsciousness November 29, There must be something good that comes from this awful Mormon fantasy that seems to have invaded our culture on every front. That something is the eventual movie version of Breaking Dawn. Breaking Dawn opens with Bella Swan, the lacteal heroine of the series, finally getting married to Edward Cullen, the mopey vampire hero.

They go off to honeymoon on Isle Esme, a Brazilian island the Cullen clan owns this is already ridiculous beyond belief. Imagine a vampire going snorkeling; it basically happens in this book , and Edward is afraid to fuck his new bride.

But Bella wears him down and Edward throws it in her — and knocks her the fuck out, leaving her badly bruised. Read the rest here via mr. Share this: Twitter Facebook. Like this: Like Loading Leave a Reply Cancel reply Enter your comment here I avoid this shit like the plague, but I would be compelled to watch this shit if it ever made it into the movie.

BTW, the 4th movie is being rushed to production and possibly as 2 movies. The review predates that announcement. There must be something good that comes from this awful Mormon fantasy that seems to have invaded our culture on every front.

That something is the eventual movie version of Breaking Dawn. Even though New Moon has made a bazillion dollars and even though the third Twilight book, Eclipse, is already filming, Summit has declined to announce the fourth and final Twilight book as a movie. There's a good reason for this: Breaking Dawn is completely fucking insane, and it is probably totally unfilmable.

But if they do film it Breaking Dawn opens with Bella Swan, the lacteal heroine of the series, finally getting married to Edward Cullen, the mopey vampire hero. They go off to honeymoon on Isle Esme, a Brazilian island the Cullen clan owns this is already ridiculous beyond belief.

Imagine a vampire going snorkeling; it basically happens in this book , and Edward is afraid to fuck his new bride. The reason: he's super strong and she's just a human - Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex type of situation here.

But Bella wears him down and Edward throws it in her - and knocks her the fuck out, leaving her badly bruised. Let's go over that again: Edward fucks Bella into unconsciousness. This alone should have you running to Fandango to pre-order your tickets, but it only gets better. Despite being knocked out cold by his sexual style and having the headboard destroyed , Bella goes back to Edward for seconds. This time he knocks her up.

Yes, an undead vampire apparently has enough viable sperm to impregnate a human woman while fucking her off the coast of Rio de Janero. Stephenie Meyer, you fabulous idiot! The baby in Bella's belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it.

As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella's ribs and then severs her spine. Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus?

Because I am and it's making me laugh and laugh and laugh. Oh wait, I missed something. Edward is completely freaked out about the baby, fearing it will kill Bella. He tries to convince her to get an abortion but seriously, how could she? Vampires are tough to kill even in this shitty series , and goes so far as asking Native American wolfboy Jacob to impregnate his wife so that she can have the baby she desperately wants.

I'm dizzy with how ridiculous this is, and we're just getting started. Eventually the baby starts to get born and Bella is dying. The baby has telepathy, by the way, so everybody can read its thoughts while it's in the womb, and it turns out to have an essentially adult mind. Like Alia in Dune; I would accuse Stephenie Meyer of ripping this off, but anyone who thinks that Meyer might have read Frank Herbert has never been within spitting distance of Twilight.

The woman is a moron. Oh wait, I missed something. Edward is completely freaked out about the baby, fearing it will kill Bella. He tries to convince her to get an abortion but seriously, how could she? Vampires are tough to kill even in this shitty series , and goes so far as asking Native American wolfboy Jacob to impregnate his wife so that she can have the baby she desperately wants.

Eventually the baby starts to get born and Bella is dying. Like Alia in Dune ; I would accuse Stephenie Meyer of ripping this off, but anyone who thinks that Meyer might have read Frank Herbert has never been within spitting distance of Twilight. The woman is a moron. In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his fucking teeth.

This is surely his movie. Then comes the most astonishing turn of events in 21st century literature, and possibly in the entire history of awful fiction aimed at tweens: Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her.

I want to pull this out on its own: Jacob falls in love with a baby.